‘The bestest Bible’ is an occasional series; a tongue in cheek look at the most ridiculous book ever written by men claiming to be in touch with the Divine.
The Bible, beginning with Genesis, the first book of Moses was written quite a long time of years ago. It was put together in three different languages, beginning in Hebrew, then Aramaniac (mainly as an oral tradition) and then, finally in New Testament Geek. That’s a special sort of Greek that was made up by a bloke called Paul especially for the task. Until then the Greeks only spoke ancient Geek which was a bit silly really since the world had moved on quite a lot since then. Only Homer still spoke that and he was really, really old, like Methuselah (we’ll get to Methuselah later) and everybody knows that really old people aren’t worth listening to.
But they were when Genesis began. In fact the people who wrote Genesis were so interested in what old people were saying that they pinched most of the stories in Genesis from the ancient Mesopotamaniacs who only spoke in cubism.
Later on the people in the Bible, even the dead ones had a bit of revelation and started speaking Latin which, of course, meant that nobody could understand them at all. That didn’t matter very much though because Latin was the Roman language and the church was Roman catholic so as long as the emperor who was always great – constantly great in fact could understand he could teach some other people and it would all make sense again.
So that’s what happened. In the year 325 Emperor the constant, who was great, taught some Nice people how to read Latin and suddenly the Bible characters all came alive again. They started shaking hands with old friends and scared away 500 people who never said a thing about it, ever, they were so scared of the zombie apocalypse that seemed to be just around the corner. We only know it happened at all because that bloke, Paul told us. He was actually one of the zombies because he’d been dead himself for about 250 years by then. Which makes you wonder how he learned Latin.
Paul, whose dead name had actually been Saulina had transitioned from being a cis woman because she hated girls. She had been much more interested in boys but then, once she became Paul (meaning short-arse because of her feminine height) she started hating herself even more because she still fancied boys. So Paul decided to hate puftas too. But he never really got over his desire for cock, giving rise to a constant sexual frustration which he euphemistically described as the thorn in his flesh. Oh come on… use your imagination.
Paul used to send people letters with thistles in them. We have 14 of those thistles of Paul recorded in the New testament although at least 6 of them are psuedononynonymous which basically means some lying, fraudulent bastard made them up. Apparently Paul was heavily into leather. Some people think he made tents and sails out of the stuff but really the Bible doesn’t say and let’s face it, for a sexually disinhibited trans dude like Paul the possibilities would have been endless. We know he was into keeping slaves and was particularly keen that slaves obeyed their masters, even the cruel ones. Famously, many of his followers got tortured so he might well have been into a bit of sado-masochism on the side. Unfortunately we’ll never know. He did talk about being very content whilst wearing his chains in Philippi though. Make of that what you will.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. There’s loads more to get through before we get to Saulina. We need to talk about Adam and Eve and the way they were set up just so that the all-knowing creator of everything could be surprised and disappointed when things started to go wrong for him.
And that wasn’t the only surprise in store for YHWH. Once the two unfortunate first humans had repopulated the earth with their two sons… think about it… Eve really must have been a busy girl then we need to discuss captain Noah and his nautical livestock rustling extravaganza. That’s a great bit that also outlines how everything keeps going wrong for God. For an omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent deity He really does get caught off guard an awful lot. And for someone who’s also omnibenevolent He doesn’t half like murdering people. Apparently this guy Noah was so old he had to pickle his internal organs with booze just to stay alive long enough to build his boat. Then, he filled it with sheep, lions, elephants, woolly mammoth, dinosaurs of every variety, germs and viruses, freshwater fish, giraffes and even kangaroos. Not only that but he had to learn cartography and create maps for them all to get back home.
And on top of that he had to keep the whole thing secret from the Egyptians, the Chinese, the native Americans and even most Europeans, none of whom noticed so much as a drop of water flooding the entire earth. Well done Noah. Not bad for a drunk!
So, you see, there’s lots to talk about. And trust me, we haven’t even scratched the surface yet. There are 66 books in the canon, all choc full of fantastic stories and ridiculous advice, most of which comes from a time when people thought that donkeys could talk, that volcanoes were actual Gods (that’s how YHWH began) and that epilepsy was caused by evil spirits. They even thought the earth was flat. I mean, how ridiculous is that?
So it’s probably time to wrap up this little introduction and get ready to start work on Genesis chapter 1. Like subscribe and share to make sure you and your mates don’t miss this blow by blow explanation of the most ridiculous book ever written by men pretending to have access to Gods.
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